The past couple weeks have filled my head with doubts about continuing to pursue a English education major to teach in Ky. Not that those doubts matter very much; I have been very honest with everyone, myself included, about selling my soul to the public education system in hopes that I can make it though college without acquiring mass amounts of debt.
The other day, a former teacher of mine brought it to my attention that unless I plan to marry for money instead of love, teaching is not going to be a career in ky that I can have a family and live off of. I cant imagine living anywhere else or wanting to do anything else with my life so this is rather heartbreaking.
I have put a lot of thought into if being poor is a sacrifice I want to make. Of course I cant say for sure until I am living and actually teaching, but I believe it is. Nobody wants to teach in Kentucky anymore and the poor qualities of people wanting to be educators has left the education system in a bind. Ky needs good teachers. There are students in this state that need to be loved and believed in. Without good teachers to help them find the joys of learning—- some joys in their life will be sacrificed.
This is a blog post to say that yes, I do want to pursue teaching in Ky even if it leaves me poor. I grew up poor and probably will die poor anyways. At the very least continuing to pursue this career will allow me to change the lives of at least one student. To me that is more important then anything else I could do with my life.
I am a introvert who is good at pretending to be extroverted. I love people, talking, and team building until I can no longer hold my tongue. These things exhaust me, but in a society that revolves around extroverts my only choice is to pretend to enjoy them.
I arrived to Asbury a week early to be with the cross country team. It was a week full of forced bonding experiences and figuring out the team dynamic. It was a good week, but boy I am tired. Today is the beginning of welcome week at Asbury and I am so incredibly unprepared. Nothing about welcome week appeals to me. The forced group time and family group devotions do not bring joy to my heart. They instead frustrate me. I have no interest in spending time with a small group of people when I could instead venture out on my own and find friends with similar interests to me. I don’t enjoy being forced into weak friendships for convenience.
Today was a really hard day for me. My family is full of people who love animals and I am no exception. While unhealthy, I must confess that I love animals more then I do most people.
Early morning today my grandparents and uncles dog passed away. I have so many fond memories of Mandy. I know that she is in a better place, but that does not make the loss any easier. When I was younger Mandy bit my lip and I had to go to the hospital for stiches. To this day I have a small scar on my lip and in a weird way it brings me comfort.
This blog post does not make much sense, but neither does anything else today. The loss of a pet always sucks.
A slideshow of my new home….
Tonight I have been thinking a lot about high school and things that I would have changed if I could do it all over again. One of those things would have been taking a art class or two. I always loved the subject, but put it second to my love of English. I wish that I could have developed my artistic abilities more when I had the chance. I don’t really know how my love of art will help me in the future, or how it will be applicable to me wanting to go into education, but I hope to improve regardless .
I am headed to college August 3rd. I haven’t thought much about the adjustments that are going to take place in my life, but suddenly it has hit me hard. In just a week and a half, I will be on my own. I will be surrounded by people much smarter and more talented then me. I will no longer get to pride myself on being the best writer in the class or having book knowledge because other people will without a doubt be better at that then me.
I am beginning to question if I am cut out for college life. I don’t have the skill to be a writer and I definitely do not feel as though I have the qualities of someone capable of being a good educator. I feel as though I am going to fail at the one thing I hope to be good at.
I have all kinds of what if questions and all of them are self destructive in many ways. Maybe it is time for me to reconsider what it is that I am truly equipt to spend the rest of my life doing.