College is Lonely

I am not going to lie; I am incredibly lonely. College is nice in the sense that there is so much free time, but it also sucks because I have yet to find any people to spend that free time with.

Mostly I just talk to friends from Louisville , and that is okay with me. It just sucks because some days I really want a hug and a shoulder to cry on. I’m not homesick in the strict definition of the word, but I definitely miss home. For me high school was home. I was comoftable there and felt at peace. Here I do not have those feelings yet.

Forced Bonding (Welcome Week)

I am a introvert who is good at pretending to be extroverted. I love people, talking, and team building until I can no longer hold my tongue. These things exhaust me, but in a society that revolves around extroverts my only choice is to pretend to enjoy them.

I arrived to Asbury a week early to be with the cross country team. It was a week full of forced bonding experiences and figuring out the team dynamic. It was a good week, but boy I am tired. Today is the beginning of welcome week at Asbury and I am so incredibly unprepared.  Nothing about welcome week appeals to me. The forced group time and family group devotions do not bring joy to my heart. They instead frustrate me. I have no interest in spending time with a small group of people when I could instead venture out on my own and find friends with similar interests to me.  I don’t enjoy being forced into weak friendships for convenience.

College Concerns

I could go on and on forever about my endless concerns about college. Every day brings a new worry. To try and ease my weary mind I have decided to create a list of my worries. Hopefully in a couple weeks I will be able to update and have dismissed many of these fears.

I worry that:

  1. I will not be good enough at writing or education classes to pursue a secondary English education degree.
  2. People in Louisville will forget about me and that I am easily replaceable.
  3. I will miss very important years of my siblings lives.
  4. my financial aid will change and I will not be able to afford a second year of tuition.
  5. there is no home for me to come back to.
  6. I will not get along with my roommate.
  7. It will be hard for me to make friends.
  8. my brother will resent me for missing his birthday.
  9. My stress will overwhelm me.
  10. I will get injured at the start of the season.
  11. My team will see me as less then because I am not a super competitive athlete.
  12. I will be lonely.
  13. My English teachers will not be as good as the ones  I had in high school.
  14. I will fall out of love with writing.

First Day of College (Moving in Twice)

For as long as I can remember, college has been something I dreamed about. I idolized the ideas of freedom, individuality, and escape that surround it. I thought that once I got off to college everything would be different; to be honest I thought of college as a utopia of sorts.

In my childhood I never dreamed that I would make it this far. I set low standards for myself, thinking but never voicing that I didn’t imagine I would still be alive by the time college rolled around. My depression and low self worth have always sabotaged my mind with those thoughts.

By the time senior year rolled around , my depression had let up a bit. I was determined to go to college, but not just any old school- Centre the top school in my home state. Centre was never going to be anything more then a fantasy for me, not because I didn’t have the grades or the community service, but because I don’t fit in with the particular breed of human that attends Centre. I never imagined myself going to a Christian university, but now that I am at Asbury I can never imagine wanting to attend a secular school.

I’ve barely been on campus for two days. It certainly has not been the easiest two days of my life, but I am trying to remain optimistic. Yesterday upon arrival, I was told very specifically that I would be staying in a dorm room. They gave me the key and with the help of my dad everything was moved in. Hours later , I am notified that I had the wrong key and needed to move my stuff to the dorm on the other side of the hall. That was not a fun experience. My room is still not set up, because of the amount of discouragement that left me feeling. My new room features a bathroom that joins me with two other girls. They are loud and have not been very friendly to me so far. I hope that I have come of as considerate of their needs, but stern about my own. I can not have them being this loud all year.

Today I woke up and attended practice, only to find out that my key card no longer would give me access to my building.  Being locked out was no fun, but knowing myself I can hardly be upset… I was bound to get locked out at some point.

I hope that as the year goes on things get better. This is a huge adjustment period in my life and I don’t want to miss a opportunity for joy because my vision is so clouded by everything that seems negative. Above are only two examples of the crazy mess that was move in day. I might provide more at a later date.

For now I will leave this beautiful picture of a random rainbow on campus:

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My Class Schedule and Thoughts (Fall Semester )

My Class Schedule (Fall 2017)

Math 100

I am deeply concerned about my math class this fall. Math has always been a subject that I struggle with; no amount of tutoring and studying has ever helped prevent me from getting the numbers jumbled in my head. Reading numbers for me has always been very difficult and caused problems in my daily life. I can see the number 365, but when I go to read it aloud or work with it I will mix it up to say 356 or some other incorrect combination.

Of course I want to improve and pray that I do once I enter college. I know that I need math in order to be a competent teacher. I think that part of the barrier that makes students feel like they are nothing more then a number is that teachers themselves don’t always truly understand the numbers and statistics floating around. In order to prevent this I need to have a basic knowledge of numbers and mathematics.

History 101

While I am bad with dates and names, I have always held a appreciation of history. I think that its so important to understand the past if you want to work to create change in the present. History also provides me with a context for a lot of the books I am reading and changes the meaning entirely.

Chapel

I have no clue what to expect here.

Advanced English Composition and Exposition

Ahhhh….. another composition class. Let it be known that my favorite subject is without a doubt English. I love the craft that is writing and the ways that it can manipulate emotions. What I don’t enjoy is academic writing. I struggle with writing proposals and research papers almost as much as I do math and science. For me, I can already tell that this class is going to be one fueled by a love-hate relationship.

English Literature

This is easily the class that I am most excited about first semester. In high school I had a wonderful teacher names Mr.Baize. My junior year he taught our AP English Literature class in a way that made me fall in love with English and reading all over again. AP Literature to me was less about the old white men whose work we were reading, and more about the human condition. I never expected to relate so much to the problems of characters in F451, Gatsby, and Hamlet.

I am going into this class with high hopes. Hopes that it makes me think critically about the world around me and prayers that it allows my writing and reading comprehension skills to grow in ways I didn’t realize I needed.

 

A Disturbing Thought

I am headed to college August 3rd. I haven’t thought much about the adjustments that are going to take place in my life, but suddenly it has hit me hard. In just a week and a half, I will be on my own. I will be surrounded by people much smarter and more talented then me. I will no longer get to pride myself on being the best writer in the class or having book knowledge because other people will without a doubt be better at that then me.

I am beginning to question if I am cut out for college life. I don’t have the skill to be a writer and I definitely do not feel as though I have the qualities of someone capable of being a good educator. I feel as though I am going to fail at the one thing I hope to be good at.

I have all kinds of what if questions and all of them are self destructive in many ways. Maybe it is time for me to reconsider what it is that I am truly equipt to spend the rest of my life doing.