I am not going to lie; I am incredibly lonely. College is nice in the sense that there is so much free time, but it also sucks because I have yet to find any people to spend that free time with.
Mostly I just talk to friends from Louisville , and that is okay with me. It just sucks because some days I really want a hug and a shoulder to cry on. I’m not homesick in the strict definition of the word, but I definitely miss home. For me high school was home. I was comoftable there and felt at peace. Here I do not have those feelings yet.
I am a introvert who is good at pretending to be extroverted. I love people, talking, and team building until I can no longer hold my tongue. These things exhaust me, but in a society that revolves around extroverts my only choice is to pretend to enjoy them.
I arrived to Asbury a week early to be with the cross country team. It was a week full of forced bonding experiences and figuring out the team dynamic. It was a good week, but boy I am tired. Today is the beginning of welcome week at Asbury and I am so incredibly unprepared. Nothing about welcome week appeals to me. The forced group time and family group devotions do not bring joy to my heart. They instead frustrate me. I have no interest in spending time with a small group of people when I could instead venture out on my own and find friends with similar interests to me. I don’t enjoy being forced into weak friendships for convenience.
Today was a really hard day for me. My family is full of people who love animals and I am no exception. While unhealthy, I must confess that I love animals more then I do most people.
Early morning today my grandparents and uncles dog passed away. I have so many fond memories of Mandy. I know that she is in a better place, but that does not make the loss any easier. When I was younger Mandy bit my lip and I had to go to the hospital for stiches. To this day I have a small scar on my lip and in a weird way it brings me comfort.
This blog post does not make much sense, but neither does anything else today. The loss of a pet always sucks.
A slideshow of my new home….
I could go on and on forever about my endless concerns about college. Every day brings a new worry. To try and ease my weary mind I have decided to create a list of my worries. Hopefully in a couple weeks I will be able to update and have dismissed many of these fears.
I worry that:
- I will not be good enough at writing or education classes to pursue a secondary English education degree.
- People in Louisville will forget about me and that I am easily replaceable.
- I will miss very important years of my siblings lives.
- my financial aid will change and I will not be able to afford a second year of tuition.
- there is no home for me to come back to.
- I will not get along with my roommate.
- It will be hard for me to make friends.
- my brother will resent me for missing his birthday.
- My stress will overwhelm me.
- I will get injured at the start of the season.
- My team will see me as less then because I am not a super competitive athlete.
- I will be lonely.
- My English teachers will not be as good as the ones I had in high school.
- I will fall out of love with writing.
For as long as I can remember, college has been something I dreamed about. I idolized the ideas of freedom, individuality, and escape that surround it. I thought that once I got off to college everything would be different; to be honest I thought of college as a utopia of sorts.
In my childhood I never dreamed that I would make it this far. I set low standards for myself, thinking but never voicing that I didn’t imagine I would still be alive by the time college rolled around. My depression and low self worth have always sabotaged my mind with those thoughts.
By the time senior year rolled around , my depression had let up a bit. I was determined to go to college, but not just any old school- Centre the top school in my home state. Centre was never going to be anything more then a fantasy for me, not because I didn’t have the grades or the community service, but because I don’t fit in with the particular breed of human that attends Centre. I never imagined myself going to a Christian university, but now that I am at Asbury I can never imagine wanting to attend a secular school.
I’ve barely been on campus for two days. It certainly has not been the easiest two days of my life, but I am trying to remain optimistic. Yesterday upon arrival, I was told very specifically that I would be staying in a dorm room. They gave me the key and with the help of my dad everything was moved in. Hours later , I am notified that I had the wrong key and needed to move my stuff to the dorm on the other side of the hall. That was not a fun experience. My room is still not set up, because of the amount of discouragement that left me feeling. My new room features a bathroom that joins me with two other girls. They are loud and have not been very friendly to me so far. I hope that I have come of as considerate of their needs, but stern about my own. I can not have them being this loud all year.
Today I woke up and attended practice, only to find out that my key card no longer would give me access to my building. Being locked out was no fun, but knowing myself I can hardly be upset… I was bound to get locked out at some point.
I hope that as the year goes on things get better. This is a huge adjustment period in my life and I don’t want to miss a opportunity for joy because my vision is so clouded by everything that seems negative. Above are only two examples of the crazy mess that was move in day. I might provide more at a later date.
For now I will leave this beautiful picture of a random rainbow on campus: