Tonight I have been thinking a lot about high school and things that I would have changed if I could do it all over again. One of those things would have been taking a art class or two. I always loved the subject, but put it second to my love of English. I wish that I could have developed my artistic abilities more when I had the chance. I don’t really know how my love of art will help me in the future, or how it will be applicable to me wanting to go into education, but I hope to improve regardless .
Jesus was the monster hiding under my bed. For many years I feared the dark and the unknown voice that whispered ” stay ” whenever I dared tiptoe out of my bedroom. I would lay awake until midnight, too energized to go to sleep. As a child when I awoke, that voice would call out to me again ” stay “.
For years I was terrified of that voice, not brave enough to venture out of my room, scared if I moved an inch a shadowy figure would reveal itself. I realize now that voice had been right. When I did brave the dark, it was to my dad’s hand shoved down my moms throat as she tried to commit suicide, I awoke to my family screaming at the top of their lungs while new holes were punched through our walls, and to the sounds of my siblings crying out. Mostly I awoke from nightmares only to be denied the comfort of a loving embrace when I curled into my parents’ sides. Had I listened to the monster under my bed I would have never found the real monsters lurking beyond my room.
During my junior year, I had forgotten about the monsters. It had been so long since I had heard that whisper,”Stay”. I accepted the existence of the evil things that plagued my life, never once thought about religion. Why would a loving God let me live in such a toxic environment ,and why would he take 16 years to show himself? I never got the answer to those questions, but it stopped mattering. Nothing mattered to me then. It is fair to say that I was not the best of teenagers and found myself not only a rebellious teen, but a regretful one. I regretted every mistake, from letting sexual harassment slide, to drugging myself daily just to feel something. I didn’t realize it then, but every mistake was driving me into deeper depression. Even today, I still make mistakes, but now I know better. I know that life does not have to be lived this way. I was angry with the world and the prospect of there even being a God because of the situation that I grew up in and the choices I found myself being forced to make; I was bitter.
But God found me. I never could have predicted that I would be a Christian coming from a secular family, but that was not in God’s plan for me. In the past eight months, my selfish heart has been softened into a compassionate and loving soul, and my faith is strong.
It was not until my AP English Literature teacher prompted us to do Bible projects that I even held an interest in Christianity . While I started out completely uninterested in the project, I found myself going to my teacher to ask about more than just Jonah, my assigned book. Every time I asked him a question I was scared. Until one day I stopped being scared to ask about original sin or to email about Christian beliefs. I began to consider the possibility that I was like him, and that I shared this same faith. For the first time in my life, I was doing something for me. One of the most meaningful moments of my high school experience came from me asking how to navigate the books of the Bible. Not only was I given links to online versions that would be easier to work through, He gave me a Bible. I vividly remember how my sweaty hands shook as I asked ,” Are you sure ? Is this for me ?” before taking the Bible from his hands.
I am convinced that it was in that moment that my life changed forever. This was the moment I realized the monster under my bed was never truly a monster at all. It was God protecting me from the things I was better off not knowing. Had I not been scared of the voice that said ,”Stay”, I would have been victim to my parent’s abuse much earlier in life. It was not a monster that whispered stay, It was God that had always been whispering ” Be still ,because I am “.
I am going to keep this short and sweet, but today I have found myself thinking about Central High Schools new Montessori magnet. I am incredibly optimistic about what this means for the students entering the program.
Central High School Montessori
My Class Schedule (Fall 2017)
I am deeply concerned about my math class this fall. Math has always been a subject that I struggle with; no amount of tutoring and studying has ever helped prevent me from getting the numbers jumbled in my head. Reading numbers for me has always been very difficult and caused problems in my daily life. I can see the number 365, but when I go to read it aloud or work with it I will mix it up to say 356 or some other incorrect combination.
Of course I want to improve and pray that I do once I enter college. I know that I need math in order to be a competent teacher. I think that part of the barrier that makes students feel like they are nothing more then a number is that teachers themselves don’t always truly understand the numbers and statistics floating around. In order to prevent this I need to have a basic knowledge of numbers and mathematics.
While I am bad with dates and names, I have always held a appreciation of history. I think that its so important to understand the past if you want to work to create change in the present. History also provides me with a context for a lot of the books I am reading and changes the meaning entirely.
I have no clue what to expect here.
Advanced English Composition and Exposition
Ahhhh….. another composition class. Let it be known that my favorite subject is without a doubt English. I love the craft that is writing and the ways that it can manipulate emotions. What I don’t enjoy is academic writing. I struggle with writing proposals and research papers almost as much as I do math and science. For me, I can already tell that this class is going to be one fueled by a love-hate relationship.
This is easily the class that I am most excited about first semester. In high school I had a wonderful teacher names Mr.Baize. My junior year he taught our AP English Literature class in a way that made me fall in love with English and reading all over again. AP Literature to me was less about the old white men whose work we were reading, and more about the human condition. I never expected to relate so much to the problems of characters in F451, Gatsby, and Hamlet.
I am going into this class with high hopes. Hopes that it makes me think critically about the world around me and prayers that it allows my writing and reading comprehension skills to grow in ways I didn’t realize I needed.
I am headed to college August 3rd. I haven’t thought much about the adjustments that are going to take place in my life, but suddenly it has hit me hard. In just a week and a half, I will be on my own. I will be surrounded by people much smarter and more talented then me. I will no longer get to pride myself on being the best writer in the class or having book knowledge because other people will without a doubt be better at that then me.
I am beginning to question if I am cut out for college life. I don’t have the skill to be a writer and I definitely do not feel as though I have the qualities of someone capable of being a good educator. I feel as though I am going to fail at the one thing I hope to be good at.
I have all kinds of what if questions and all of them are self destructive in many ways. Maybe it is time for me to reconsider what it is that I am truly equipt to spend the rest of my life doing.
Today I realized that in many ways I have been looking at my decision to pursue teaching as less important then my peers decisions to pursue other things. Teaching is powerful in its own right and I need to change my mindset. I am not taking out student loans in vain; I can change the lives and hearts of my future students.